Monday, January 30, 2012
could it be?
I can't believe it.
It's finally happening.
Finally. There it is.
There are honestly no words to describe how I am feeling right now, except...
surreal.
Now, I've used that word before. But this time, it's different.
Because it's about
you.
You know how everything differs when it's about you.
I myself don't know why that is, but I guess you have been special to me that way.
And I still can't believe it.
Somebody pinch me, 'cause I still can't believe it until now.
My Christmas wish will come true, and you will be my Christmas miracle.
You'll probably laugh at me for saying things like these, but. I am just ecstatic to say the least.
Now I have something to look forward to,
again. Finally, again.
And it's all because of you.
Until then, Mr. Soulmate.
"
We will live like kings under lavender skies."
"I'm glad I met you" @ 11:09 PM |
Sunday, December 04, 2011
in a bout of desperation
Never have I been disappointed in this real, actual life. Delusions and daydreaming aside, some have been constantly making life harder for me, forcing me to lose this optimism permanently. Even those I've trusted for a long time have shattered such trust almost effortlessly (which hurts me all the more).
And because I can't say it over at FB where my nephews and nieces can read it and other relatives can give me advice for it (when really, I don't freaking need it), might as well say it here: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE.
Whether they cared a little or not at all, I don't care anymore. Just fucking leave me alone. And yes, appearing in my dreams is just as unforgivable as trying to talk to me.
/sighs ...I'm just tired. Doing all what I could, I don't want to reach out anymore. That's all.
What prompted me to write this entry?
Reading blog entries as far back as 2007 made me reminisce; I often ranted about school and my
non-existent connections with certain people, but I also talked a lot about what made me happy and what made me hope strongly
being the hopeless romantic that I am. So many things have happened in my life during that time and since then.
But in this bout of desperation, I only wish for one thing.
I have been less hopeful than I was five (or even four) years ago, but I have to say that after everything, it is only what's left of my wishes. I'd rather wish for just that than wish for anything else in my life right now, and maybe that's saying something. If only the chances of that happening were as big as that of raining during the fall season. If only.
/sighs again
Which is why it's the only thing I'm praying for constantly. Maybe if I prayed enough to the heavens, He would hear me and know that it's the only wish I want to come true.
I don't know. Maybe this is just one of those late-night ramblings that doesn't make sense. Maybe I just want to release this frustration somehow. Maybe I just really want it to happen.
But I will continue to hope. No matter what happens.
And I hope He is listening.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 2:14 AM |
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
i guess it's normal?
Here I go again.
So the moment presents itself and everything comes into play, but now that I can grasp that thought and it
can turn into reality, I think I want to back out.
It's like what Barney Stinson said, "If you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating if you find out that wasn't true." I know he's right. Because that's how I feel right now.
I keep thinking, "What if my fairy tale romance with you cannot happen? What if I truly realize that I cannot reach you? What if
nothing happens at all?"
Sometimes I feel like I am not ready for this, yet my undeniable desires persist (and naturally of course). I don't know. I hate it when I have conflicting emotions. But it's surely true that I do want to know what you are like. That is what has motivated me until this point after all. I still want to know who you are, despite all these shitty fears and unavoidable cowardice I seem to always have when it comes to you.
I don't want my dream to be shattered. That's another thing I am completely certain about. I don't want to wake up one morning, thinking, I don't have anything to live for any longer. That sounds a little extreme, I know, but I certainly do not want to even
think about how that feels. I guess this is what I'm afraid of the most, this time.
But I shall try no matter what. Because that's what I promised you -- that
no matter what, I will come to see you.
I will do everything because you are my only hope.
And I will never get tired of saying that.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 11:10 PM |
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
does it matter?
We have a very complicated relationship.
We are friends in a way, but somehow, not quite.
With the way we treat each other, as if... we are more than what or how we have labeled this connection.
The weird thing is... people around us have probably noticed it but we, the two of us, just dismiss it as if it isn't true.
So now, I am not sure what we really are.
Which brings me back to my original statement: We have a very complicated relationship.
Nevertheless, I think it goes to show at least how special relationship is, and I mean that in the most general sense of the word "relationship".
For instance, I love that he goes an extra mile only for me, doing things he doesn't normally do just because it's me (no matter how self-centered that sounds). It's as if he's afraid to disappoint me -- of which, sadly, I might be abusing to my own emotional advantage -- and, dare I say, lose me as a friend.
Maybe I mean a lot to him.
Maybe not.
Because the moment I expect that much from him, he does disappoint, and truthfully, while I have become used to that, it does sadden me a bit from time to time.
That is why I haven't expected further than only this.
Anything more will surely complicate things further between us.
And I don't want that.
I already am contended with the way things are, even if we don't talk regularly.
Weird, huh?
I don't know.
Maybe, even given how "mutual" (for lack of a better term) this is, because it's complicated -- after all, he has someone he likes more than just a friend -- and forbidden, this whole thing becomes an unspeakable matter even to the both of us.
Not that it should bother me nor that it actually does.
Perhaps it's better this way.
I got this emotional support without being in an actual relationship and while I get through (read: struggle through) this finding-my-soulmate-crap.
He's kind of my refuge at this point.
My real-life refuge.
I know I can't always count on him -- which is why I speak to him only when I need to and not when I want to -- but I also know that when I do, he will be there.
It's perfect.
And awesome.
I am blessed with great and awfully wonderful friends.
He's one of them, and I hope he will be for the rest of my life.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 12:06 AM |
Thursday, October 06, 2011
just like a fairy tale
October 4, 2010
Hope falters.
Everything we've heard based on fairy-tale happy endings, maybe they were all just a lie.
It is never as easy as we think it is.
Uncertainty rises.
We never know if we have someone until it happens.
It is never as easy as we think it is.
But love thrives.
Clinging onto some invisible hope is my sickness; even when hope falters, and uncertainty rises, I believe that something can still happen.
It is never as easy as we think it is, but it doesn't mean we should stop trying.
And so I try.
October 5, 2010
Even when each of us are busy with our own lives, I never fail to think about you.
Whilst I hope that if ever we come to live under the same sky and breathe the same air, I wish that as your day comes, you realize that despite being in an imperfect world, life has treated you kindly and magnificently.
Because your happiness is my happiness, as cliched as that sounds.
If life would be much kinder to us, my only prayer is for fate to bring us together.
I would wish forever too.
So I do.
October 6, 2010
Dear Soulmate,
This day has been such a whirlwind, much like our history together (or rather, my history with you). It has been five years since I first saw you, and that was so long ago. During that span of time, I've experienced mystery, anxiety, disappointment, love, indifference, adoration, forgiveness, fear, courage and, of course, that never-ending hope I never seem to run out of. I even, dare I say,
shifted my attention to someone else for more or less a year. While I admit that is a bit shameful, I prefer to call it a "learning" experience because that is how I discovered the reality of my situation with you, and how I am willing to do anything just to make fate bring us together, as desperate as that seems.
I've had my share of hopes, especially now that I
know there is a chance for me to finally meet you, face-to-face, without the involvement of my rich imagination. Because you have resurfaced after so long -- even my parents noticed that -- my entire family has wanted to see you like I do. Well, not
only you per se, you together with your friends, and of course I want to see them too. Now that chance is at hand, I shall take it without hesitation. And my God, I shall finally see you with these two eyes that have longed to lay upon you.
But before all of that happens, my journey of finding you again has been unusually easy, because apparently, I have never lost all of my feelings for you; in fact, they have become stronger now, for some reason I still cannot explain until now. I call it a miracle, actually, because even when I was completely adoring someone else (in your absence, mind you), at one point I still came back to you, halfway through during those five years. I never tried to understand it. I guess it was just that easy coming back to you.
Just as it was easy coming back, it was also easy to imagine you in my life again. I have incorporated you in my life in small but surreal ways. I've always thought it would freak you out someday, if you would happen to know about them at all, but they say that if you think it can happen, it will happen. That's the belief I've been holding onto for the longest time, if it makes you wonder how I am able to stay by your side.
Another reason I stay is... well, there have been times where I feel incredibly lonely. Given my situation right now, it's both ridiculous and inevitable. Ridiculous, because I know I am still young and still have many things to experience; and inevitable, because at my age I still haven't found someone who will have stayed by
my side just because that's how much he cares about me. So once again, you are the only hope I have at this point in my life.
Many have come and gone in my life. Ever since I met you, I've probably had four encounters with love. Some I've regretted, some I haven't, but the bottomline is, whenever I get hurt, I turn only to you for emotional protection and comfort. I know, perhaps I have attributed this to an imaginary version of yourself, but still, for me that has helped a lot. But I wish it is all as easy as in real life.
Despite the odds against our future meeting, I have constantly been praying for us. You might find this silly, but really, I am merely doing everything I can just for this to happen. I am currently praying that we find each other in such a special way that we will never forget, for the simple reason that I want to be happy. Many in this world want that, even you, my soulmate, so I cannot see why it's unreasonable.
Lastly, my dear soulmate, after all these years of knowing you, there is only one thing in my mind that I want to say, and this is very important: I don't know what my life would have been if I hadn't met you. And I never want to know, because I bet that it sucks. You're the only reason I can bear this loneliness. Without you, I'd probably be struggling with my life harder, and I cannot imagine that for the life of me. In the end, I just want to thank you for being who you are, whatever our differences are, whatever disappointments I've had or you've had, whatever hardships we have gone through separately, because in the end, we will endure them together.
Soon, my dear, very soon.
With love,
Jessie
"Show me that good things come to those who wait..."
"I'm glad I met you" @ 11:19 PM |
today.
