Monday, March 23, 2009
um, whatever.I've had enough. You're never going to make me back down again.
Lately, there have been signs of you that linger around me. Most of them are concrete, and because of that, it leaves me hanging: What the hell are you doing to me?
I was so sure that I'd finally got ridden of you in my life once and for all. I was so sure that, despite having actual chances of meeting you again, I would never resort to being my same old vulnerable and stupid self if and when that time would come. Yet you keep on reappearing in my life, as if I'd made a wrong decision on ignoring my feelings for you.
But you know what? You will never change my mind. Read that? NEVER. Every single time you have always left me confused, and I will never let that happen again. I will never let you do this to me again, because I'll be too stupid to fall into the same trap I did twice already.
Now I know some are going to ask: He's a nice guy; why not give him a chance?
Well, I am very well-aware that I've given you more than enough chances, and honestly, I can never understand why.
No more chances--that's my promise to myself. I'm only human, and I can only do so much to prevent myself from doing the same mistake again. But definitely, I will never want to have anything to do with you anymore, even if your image begs to my face.
If anything, I will leave everything to chance, as something I would do according to my nature. I won't do anything else, because that's what causing the idiotic decisions to start, unless you do something about it. After all, a connection has to be two-way right? I will be willing if you are, as much as I never want to have to face you anymore, because that's just who I am. I give people what they deserve, what they give me.
In case you never change from the way that you are to me, at least I won't have any more regrets, just to show I've made the right choice. If we were meant to be more than what we were before or what we are now, then so be it. I simply wouldn't take matters into my hands this time around.
There are just so many people better than you--that's why.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 7:17 PM | 0 were glad to meet me.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
i wish my tears would reach youBecause I simply cannot take it any longer.
As much I don't like to admit it, you're probably not thinking about "finding" me. (And maybe that's because I am obviously not focusing my attention to you recently as well, but let me get to my point.) You're probably having too much fun partying, drinking, socializing, while I'm stuck here, studying, writing, "fangirling", all by myself. You're probably having way more fun than I'm currently wishing to have. Come to think of it, I've never really thought about what our similarities are, what interests we have in common, albeit being aware that we differ in many things. We live in different worlds. You're not even my type for God's sake.
So I've always wondered why I've fallen for you so hard--so hard that I can't stop thinking about you, that I keep hoping, that here I am, waiting for some miracle of fate to bind us together for eternity. I have never even understood why, of all people, I had to meet you in the first place.
I need to say this: My heart is aching, yearning for you. I've tried not to care about what goes on in your life, such as whom you are seeing, but somewhere in the back of my head (and my heart), I hate to see you being happy with someone else. I know that's too selfish of me, but I've sometimes I think I've had enough of this nobility and of this selflessness crap. Perhaps, your having someone else is the reason why I'm afraid to know what's actually happening in your life right now, despite being awfully curious. I don't want to know that my chance with you has drastically decreased as days go by.
I didn't lose hope; I never lost hope; I'm trying not to lose hope. Even if I cannot take matters (at least all of it) into my own hands, I'd like to believe that I have some control over the heavens, so that eventually, we can finally be happy together. I sing, dream and tell stories of our happiness together. (I already know I am twisted; no one else needs to point that out further.) I certainly hope that you are waiting for me, as I still am for you.
In all honesty, that is all I ask for in this life.
In other words, you are my only hope, literally. I don't know where I would go in case fate decided that we were really not meant for each other. I would not know whom to turn to, as you have always been my only refuge. I do know that it is possible, but of course, I prefer not to think that way, especially that I would definitely become weak. That is why I'd like to believe we would still meet face-to-face one day, even though I'm starting to feel very helpless without you.
And that's the thing: I would not know what to do now without you; obviously you have changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. You have given me strength, hope and happiness, a future, even though I don't know how exactly you have done that. But as much as I'm utterly glad to have known your existence, there are times that I want to get away from the pain this has caused me. I've said it once, and unfortunately I believe this isn't the last time--I cannot take all of this pain anymore.
Yet I'm still here, waiting, because you have kept me going, as ironic as that seems. I do not know how, I do not know why; you just have. For that, I'd be willing to wait for you, no matter how painful it is to do so.
And I still do not know if I am in love with you.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 11:43 PM | 0 were glad to meet me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
because i was probably long gone(And you probably didn't even notice it, but that's not the point.)
I'm terribly missing this fandom, especially that I haven't been updated that much with news and shows and stuff like that. :( To tell you honestly, I technically have only three weeks left--not counting the Holy Week--before my finals, and obviously that also means that I've been extremely busy
For that, I'm sorry. m(_ _)m
Anyhoo, I'm already here, so. Updates? :D?
1) My sister, who's graduating Medicine soon, passed her sort-of finals! Yay! :D Everyone calls her "Doctor" now, which is still a little bit weird to me. I know I'll get used to that, but I guess not for now. XD Kidding aside, I remember my sister calling me on the phone three times last week before "the test", constantly telling me that she'd die soon or collapse or get sick or something. (Btw, she rarely calls at all.) One time, she even yelled at me for not telling her not to go on taking Medicine and go to the States instead so she could have become a Medical Technician (her pre-med degree) there. LOL. My sister's usually crazy like that. But that doesn't matter anyway, we have another doctor in the family!
(In case you didn't know, my parents are doctors, and I have many, many relatives who are nurses, doctors and/or have a degree in the science field. orz)
And now I constantly wonder why I wasn't interested
2) I'm starting to have nightmares about my incoming internship. While I have no worries about where I'm getting a stint for my internship--Siemens and Citibank have already contacted us for interviews and whatnot--my subsconciousness reminded me of something horrible: What if there'd be no company that accepted me? Where would I end up?
And don't get me started with being "assertive and competitive". Even my personality evaluation is telling me that I'm not that kind of person. At all. I hate it when I have to worry about things. ¬¬
Which brings me to my next thought.
3) I need to remind myself: NOT REALLY A PEOPLE PERSON. No matter how I force myself to be in such a big crowd and be envious of all the people that are getting along so fast and so well, in the end, there's no way I could be like them. I realized this
*shrugs* I honestly don't know how in the world that happens. LOL. All I can say is that I can't help it that I'm born this way, and I don't like to do something that's not natural to me.
4) I've been secretly in Backstreet Boys phase right now, as much I've been wanting to hide it for weeks now. XD I guess I've started to miss them again, and forgot how much I'd loved those vocal harmonies and wonderful songs (I'm cheesy, remember? XD). Off the top of my head, favorite songs: Like A Child (from Backstreet's Back), Don't Want to Lose You Now (Millennium), and Climbing the Walls (Never Gone). Also? Even though I'm missing Kevin Richardson, I still absolutely love Unbreakable. :Dv
Just saying. orz
Unfortunately, I still can't check the fandom right now. Sorry my dear lovely friends. ;___; I still vow to catch up... I'll catch up with all of the updates if it's the last thing I do. ;___; ♥
"I'm glad I met you" @ 10:22 PM | 0 were glad to meet me.
Friday, March 06, 2009
fangirl stories that don't involve meBut first! I've finally done this meme, lol. From Jeffer! ♥
Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your journal and elaborate on the subjects given!
1. What specific example of an event makes you blue
Huh. As in 'sad' blue, right? I'm the type to forget all about things that have made me sad, but I guess if I were to elaborate, I'd say a particular relationship with a guy friend. Which started as puppy love (I've known him since we're 10 years old), have gone mature as we became good friends.
I've always had mixed feelings about him, like I keep doubting if we could go on just as friends, but luckily even when we reached high school we stayed that way. I've known about his love life (and trust me he was the ladies' man there, my god), and he has about mine. You could say that if there's someone I could trust with my life, I would consider him as one of the candidates.
But ever since we've gone to college, I've never seen him again. Sure, we've talked once--technically texted, sadly--but there was nothing more after that. I've always tried to contact him--online, IMs, texts, even other friends--nothing's working. I was even sad that he didn't even reply when I invited him to my birthday last year. I honestly don't know what's happening.
So to speak, it makes me sad that we don't get to talk anymore, especially that even though I've been trying to, he's not responding to anything at all.
Ironically, I've always wondered how our relationship would become after we graduate from college. He once told me that he'd go to Hong Kong and work there. And I have other plans of my own as well. I guess, only time will tell, huh.
2. Break-ups
I... honestly haven't gone through a break-up yet, the romantic kind. I have, however, gone through a 'break-up', but with a friend.
This only happened last year, and this was when I found a new interest, a new hobby: Arashi. You see, my buddies in college at the time were only two: Jenny and this one I shall not name. Jenny became interested in Arashi as well, but she didn't. Honestly, although I'm aware that my obsession with Arashi was NOT the reason for why we drifted apart, it became an instrument as to what would really happen to us eventually.
We started to drift apart, as I said, and I believe we talked it through for about three times. But still, it was truly inevitable. She finally told us, in the end, that "we weren't the friends she'd hoped to have". She actually thought that, for us to be best friends, we should be able to decipher her every thought and predict her every action.
I used to believe that you can make a relationship work out if you want it to. I still do. For me, there is no such thing as 'not meant to be' if only one of you is willing enough to either change oneself or accept the other as is. Relationship, whatever the circumstance, is always a two-way game. It's sad that I can never bring back the friendship I used to have with her, but I realized that I did not want to change, nor did she want to accept me for what I am, even though we both wanted the friendship to stay as it is.
If you're curious, we are still friends right now. :)
3. What you'd trade your computer for
Oh gosh. Why are you torturing me, Jeffer? LOL. This is the hardest thing to elaborate on, because basically, I cannot live without Hiro--he's my laptop. I honestly can live without internet perhaps, but not without my computer. It's one of my essentials for many reasons: (1) I love to write, and most of my writings are stored in here; (2) I love my TV shows, 'nuff said; (3) music is my lifeee~. All these can work with or without the internet, right?
But for instance, that I get to trade my computer, I'd choose plane tickets to Japan or to the States, provided that my living expenses there would also be covered. XD (Hey, that's how important my computer is to me. LOL.)
4. Diary
I've been keeping a diary for the longest time. Although I don't have an official diary that I write on every single day, I do keep track of my favorite moments and my favorite thoughts on various writing materials. I think I have 3 journals (including a planner) that I write on, and sometimes I type on my computer when I feel particularly lazy to write. As long as I get to "preserve the memories". :P
I'm also the type who doesn't want to forget anything that makes me happy, even if I would have regretted it happening years later. It's fun to know how much I've changed, how much I've matured, and how much I've learned from these past experiences. And it's certainly fun to know that I am the type who enjoys life as it goes along and who wants everything good to be cherished. :)
5. Remote controls
Random, but good enough. LOL. Remote controls. Obviously, it's man's answer to the difficulty of standing up and changing the channel on the TV. ROFL. In our house, we have only two remote controls that functions on three TVs, so actually, we do have wars of who has the remote control, because we've already solved the problem of wanting to watch different things on TV. LOL.
Also? I was in love with remote control cars when I was younger. [/random]
So. What this post's title actually means. As you've probably heard about, my cousin--Ate Iya (I'm mentioning her for the 1000th time in this journal XD)--went to Thailand a few weeks ago to the SM Town concert. So she saw DBSK, ShiNee, Super Junior and Girls Generation live. I think their position was near the stage and the ramp in the middle. :o
Little details of the top of my head:
* They celebrated ALL those who had their birthdays on February. Since my cousin's favorite is KyuHyun, he's all I could remember having his birthday on this month. LOL. Oh and DBSK's YunHo had a cake incident. As they were singing to him, he was about to blow the candle when someone (I forgot lol) pushed him on the cake. XD Later on, Leader Leeteuk licked the cake off of his face.
* According to her (and mind you she has high-standards XD), SiWon and DongHae are the hottest guys in person. *o* Ryewook is the cutest--in fact, her exact words were: "I want to put him in my pocket." XD
* They stayed in the same hotel. :O They encountered SuJu once coming out of the hotel, when upon leaving, they heard the fans scream so they went back. XD
* Actually, at the concert venue, cameras were prohibited. She said that even during the concert, guards would actually grab the camera and deposit it to leave outside. So she couldn't bring out hers. Her friends, though, are camera pros despite being prohibited. I saw a couple of their videos and I was amazed at how they did that. Clear videos!
* The concert lasted 5 hours, but she was disappointed to discover that her favorite performance (the one that made her go to Thailand in the first place XD) did not play there. I think that was a duet between KyuHyun and a girl whose name I don't remember. Sorry, lol.
* And she got sick afterwards, upon coming back here.
* Oh and this is especially for Avee: Heechul's kiss. XD
If I'm not mistaken, he did not kiss anyone from SuJu... or if he did it was SiWon. (Argh my memory is failing me ;o;) Anyway, THIS was the first thing I asked her, and she said she had already expected this. Haha.
I think that's it. LOL. We only had more or less an hour to talk about that, so I don't know if I still missed something important. Oh well. I'm glad I could share that even though I was not present there, lol. ♥
I'm sleepy. .__.
G'night dearies! ♥ ♥ ♥
"I'm glad I met you" @ 10:16 PM | 0 were glad to meet me.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
anniversaries are always fun ^^;As I've mentioned in my last post, I've been in the Arashi fandom for a year now. :) I mean, like in my most fandoms, I didn't start actively, since I was a newbie and was practically rummaging around looking for Arashi stuff. But well, it's better to start the story at the beginning, isn't it? :DDD
So okay, as many of you know and quite obviously, I'm a Jun-bait. Although I encountered/watched Jun in a few dramas, namely Gokusen, Bambino and Hana Yori Dango, before I had been successfully baited
Hmm, Sho actually caught my attention at the time (I thought he was good-looking), followed closely by Nino. But I never went past ogling the two of them (and Jun), so that doesn't count. ;PP
Anyway, the main force that made me search about anything Arashi was Kimi wa Petto. So officially, that is my Jun-bait. But actually, I wasn't hooked to Arashi enough, until I encountered their guesting for the Valentines' Day episode of Utaban on February 29. (Honestly, who would've thought I would be eternally grateful for Utaban? XD) That was the very first thing I watched unsubbed, and it still made me laugh my ass off for thirty-minutes straight. XD Anyway, Being Jun-bait, I actually didn't look at the other members longer than I looked at Jun (and really, I was sad when none of the kids gave him chocolates. LOL). Of course, I knew that Arashi was a fun group, nonetheless.
Then I noticed the lad who said (in the same guesting) that he was 'popular'. If you guys don't remember who said that, he's the funniest and the most energetic among the five, which is probably why I liked him right then and there. :D
This also explains my even-now-evident fixation with AibaJun, btw.
There went my Aiba-phase, and that continued for quite sometime (I think about a month), even while I was watching Yamada Tarou Monogatari with Jenny (who, in case you didn't know, has Sho as her ichiban, despite being Jun-bait as well XP). I was sure that I had Aiba as my favorite, but kept wondering who my niban would be among Arashi; which went towards my main dilemma: Was it Nino or Sho?
That also went on for a while, and I didn't want to resolve it right away because it wouldn't make a difference and heck, I had an ichiban anyway.
Until I heard Gimmick Game. So, the neck fetish and the hamburger hands obsession began. Which originally was supposed to be just an expression of utmost admiration for composing such a "multi-dimensional" and catchy song. ;o;
The rest, as they say, is history. About my eternal similarities with Sho (I swear we're soulmates or something orz), that's another story. XD And if you're wondering, Ohno was the type to grow on me. I mean, he's this adorable, lovable (not to mention very talented) leader who is often bullied by his members, and doesn't even do anything leader-ish. Who wouldn't love that? :)
And I still don't have an official niban! Just clearing that up.
Unfortunately, I'd have to skip my cousin's story of her trip to Thailand to see the SM Town talents for this post. Consider this entry and the next one an installment series. XD
Also, I'm afraid I still can't do the meme I requested from Jeffer--that requires a lot of time and thought I guess, lol--so in order to compensate, I took again the test I did a few months ago, and still got the same result:
Yes, I'm a dreamy-idealist. All ray of hope and sunshine. :P
Oh and I start becoming busier by this week, because it's past-midterms and everything starts after midterms. Why? I don't know, that's one of the illnesses of the professors here in my university. They dump you lots of work after midterms, which thankfully this time, I didn't feel at all (we didn't have any subjects that required midterm exams *whew*). So, yeah, in case you're wondering.
Also? I love you guys. ;___; ♥
"I'm glad I met you" @ 2:38 AM | 0 were glad to meet me.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
oh god Sho-phase .__.But actually, the title is not the point of my post. XD I'll just make this quick because it's past midnight and I have a class at eight in the morning and I have a surely gruesome quiz tomorrow. ;____;
But first, I haven't forgotten the following (because I will post about this soon, hopefully tomorrow):
1. I have been a fan of Arashi for a year now!!
2. Like, three (or more) memes that I haven't done, but will surely do. :3
3. Oh gosh I haven't forgotten my cousin's trip in Thailand. I only got the chance to talk to her last Saturday and god, I want to be on a similar experience. D:
Okay, now that's done and over with, a few things in this fandom that I'm late for
- The preview on Sho's guesting on UtaOni!! Can't wait. (Also, Ohno is awesome for adlibbing like that. And making Sho laugh! ♥)
- Believe PV!! Been flailing with Jenny about it earlier today. I still love Nino's new do, adore the Sakurap (Sho-phase again~), find self drooling for Aiba, think Jun is dressed like a waiter, and amazed at Ohno's vocals. B-Boys.*o*
- Arashi Beatbox!! LOL, Aiba sneezing is the cutest thing on Earth. ♥ Also, it got me ROFL-ing for two minutes straight.
- Arashi calendar... *_______* I'd have to wait for mine in a few weeks, but as you already know, I'm a natural spoiler-whore, so. Stripper!Sho would be a best seller. (Why is Johnny doing this to us? ;o;)
I-I'm out. I can't think of anything else. Honestly I have yet to see Ohno's PV and MS guesting and and weeps I hate school. ;____;
(I'm sleepy forgive me ;o;)
"I'm glad I met you" @ 2:35 AM | 0 were glad to meet me.
