*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

my heart beats uncontrollably

DAMN IT HERE I GO AGAIN.

Okay, let's face it: Finally, I get to see him again and it's nice because at least I know he's still out there and I am aware that he still recognizes me. (SHIT, WAS I HAPPY TO KNOW THAT HE SAW ME AND EVEN CAUGHT MY ATTENTION? YES DAMMIT)

That's why even after all the resolution that I WILL forget about him, the moment I see him, there's nothing I could do but give in to my own feelings and be ~~too~~ happy to see him again.

Despite that time and again he has reminded me that he has no further interest in me other than being friends, perhaps the fact that I have overlooked that and focused on how he had been so nice to me is why, the sole reason why I am still head-over-heels for him.

But it's not mere admiration.

It's how differently he treated me among other guys I've met, all other guy friends I've had, every other guy I've known. He is different – could I ever have another more believable and justifiable reason than that?

And now...

My heart has been beating fast. My hands are shaking. After eight hours, I am still in this state, even after I have done other things, and after I have tried to get distracted from having thoughts of you.

This only tells me one thing.

I am in pain. I cannot bear the fact that I cannot do anything about this confusion, nor this situation I have been almost nine months ago. I AM STILL THIS WEAK FOR YOU.

Like I have been these past six months, I am ever so helpless.

I was about to cross the street, going to meet a friend to go back to work. And then I heard someone call my name.

I turned around, checking at the same time if I was just, as usual, hearing things.

And I saw you. I could not believe my eyes. "Fate is playing with me again," was my first thought.

But I could not be any happier. That I'll admit. The surprised look on your face, implying that I should not be there. You knew I was not supposed to be there. You remembered. That's right – I was supposed to be at work. I was about to tell you why. But I was with a friend, and we were about to cross the street just before I saw you. But I think I was too distracted to think about that anyway. (I even thought of letting her cross on her own and I'd follow. Because a chance of seeing you again was close to a million. That urge was strong.)

I could not help it: I told you I worked somewhere close. Then, just like once before, you urged me to continue walking instead rather than talk to me. About nine months ago, you did the same thing when you waited for me to come out with you from the elevator, then you realized I was not going to and you let me "go". ...god how I missed you.

I was too preoccupied for the rest of the day, so to speak.

I told the only person who knew about him, about my feelings for him.

"Did your heart beat faster?"

I stopped, thinking hard about her question. I... didn't notice. All I knew was I wanted to talk to him, so badly. If I had my way, I'd probably choose to stop right then and there and talk to him. I don't give a damn whatever might've happened next.

"Do you still like him?" was her next question.

"...I miss how nice he was to me, I guess." I answered that with all honesty I could convey. Because it was the truth. Whenever I think of all the times he was nice to me, I suddenly miss him again.

"You like him that much to miss him that way? Advice: TALK TO HIM."

And I did. Well, sort of. Actually, She told me I could at least send him a message just to relieve this whatever stress I was feeling. Disbelief, thinking it was possible to see him again, was more likely the word to describe it.

Just like before, I was a bit hesitant to send him a message. I have never known why, but it seems to me that I have been afraid of him too much. In what way, exactly? I do not know either. I know he's nice and all, but somehow, I am afraid of him.

The conversation just went normally. But throughout that, I felt like I was being a disturbance to him, especially that he has one semester left before he graduated, meaning this might be his busiest semester yet. I learned he was living near the university, just like I was (even telling me "I guess you could call us neighbors then"), and was doing his thesis. Honestly I was hoping he'd ask about me, but I guess I was hoping too much again.

We talked, hooray. At least I realized ~~again~~ that it's hard to keep the conversation going on your own. I've always tried, you know.

I still cannot believe this happened, though. After all the vowing to the ends of the earth that I would never want to think about you again – because simply, it's hurts – you show up. I even wrote this very short entry about you:

Who needs to go away for a while? Literally, *censored*. Figuratively, *your name*.
Who needs to come back soon? ...ironically, *your name*

I have been denying to myself how much I wanted to see you. And to think, I only wanted you to "go away" for a while because I only end up pitying myself that I'm still clinging onto this hope you've helped me create for myself.

It has never been your fault, but somehow, you are the cause.

And yet, here you are again. Haunting me in my thoughts. I would not be so surprised if you come haunting me in my dreams, as you have many many times even when I have not seen you at all.

In the end, I guess I am just tired of all this. Tired of hoping to see you again, tired of making myself believe you'd feel the same way, tired of getting over you after realizing that bitter truth.

In the end, I am still helpless that I cannot get you off of my mind.

AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY.

If you are wondering, yes, there are tears right now. And my heart is still beating uncontrollably, as fast as when I began writing this.

「もう一度、君に会いたい。　すごく。」

"I'm glad I met you" @ 11:01 PM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
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