*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Sunday, September 02, 2007

dream on, silly boy

Talk about coincidences. I remember Joanna asking me about past "obsessive" crushes. She asked me if I'd still feel the same about him after all those freaking years. I told her: yes, the feelings do come back even after a long time. Maybe presence is a big factor all along.

Breathe, Jess, he's just there to take your mind off something that bothers you a whole lot.

Okay, so like my usual Saturday night, with my Mom and Dad I went to the anticipated mass at our local town church. I decided to wear what I wore the time I had taken my last finals exam, for the fear that my Mom would scold me for wasting clothes (and the laundry detergent). To be quite honest, I wasn't expecting to see some familiar people there, except for a high school classmate.

I know it's kind of weird that when I saw his whole family (without him) enter the church, I was looking for him. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Perhaps I wanted to see him after such a long time, seeing him after I'd already graduated college and we're on the same track again. Almost.

Convinced that he wasn't going to mass with his family AGAIN, I pleasantly listened to the priest's homily. Here comes the surprising part. HE ARRIVED AFTER THE HOMILY, HALFWAY THROUGH THE MASS. I couldn't freaking believe my eyes. He's got this anime hairstyle (I can't exactly describe it, okay?!) and the same walk and the same sense of style he had when he was in high school.

My whole world stopped for a while.

I was supposed to be thinking of school, him and him. But the fact that he's THERE made all that worries go away. Honestly, I don't know if that was a good sign or not. Seriously.

He made it stop. How could that be? I thought I got over him two years ago.

I was wrong. I still felt vulnerable of him.

Then he looked back. I wasn't looking at him by then, not directly at least, but there was something inside me that tried to convince me that he recognized I was there again. I existed again.

You know what's a bit annoying? It's ALWAYS when I didn't dress my best that he would go to mass. Guess my Lord wanted me to be true to myself when he's there. I understand that. Hahaha.

He looked back, two times more, and almost caught me looking at him. But I wasn't. I tried to shift my focus to the mass. Yet I couldn't help but look at him when he's not looking.

"Peace be with you." Greeted everyone around me, struggled hard still not to look at him. Our eyes met, but I avoided that right away. I could feel he still thought that I still liked him. Well, do I? Probably not. But he certainly made me feel the way I used to when I despised him. And that's the truth.

I thought I didn't care anymore either. Yet that was truly inevitable.

The mass finally ended. Looking around, I accidentally looked his way. He was looking at me again. It was the way he used to: staring at me without any reaction at all. As if he still didn't know me, and yet he somehow knew I was different. And that wasn't good, as I had previously learned. Wasn't good at all. Damnit.

I felt defeated afterwards. We were on our way to the car. He, his siblings and his parents had already disappeared. I wanted to tell someone. I was about to text Patricia about him, but then she called, expressing her utmost joy, while I was dazed, still not in a good way. I hated that. I've always felt like that whenever I'd had an "almost" close encounter with him. And surely, I've always hated that feeling.

But I couldn't do anything about it. Even if I thought the whole time, the longest thirty minutes of my freaking life so far, he was being an air-head again about me, I couldn't help but think he could be right. But I don't want to. I DON'T. Please.

What can I say? I'm still the loser here.

But I don't feel hurt. That's the best thing about it.

Hahaha.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 3:30 PM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
Robert Sean Leonard, Hugh Laurie, David Tennant, Jason Mraz, Clay Aiken, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Jeff B. Davis, 二宮和也 (Ninomiya Kazunari), Bill Hader, Matthew Gray Gubler, 井ノ原快彦 (Inohara Yoshihiko), 阿部亮平 (Abe Ryohei), 深澤辰哉 (Fukazawa Tatsuya), Danny Sexbang, Jon Risinger, Michael Jones, Lindsay Jones, Fiona Nova and Alfredo Diaz.

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