Saturday, October 06, 2007
i could only hope
Dear Mr. Soulmate,
This is probably the fourth time I'm going to mention you in my blog, the last one being nine months ago. Perhaps during those nine months, even though I'm not publicly talking about you, undeniably I've always thought about you, especially during those times I knew we were just moments away from seeing each other.
And oh, happy birthday, my "almost" namesake.
Do you remember almost a year ago when I never even cared you exist? (Though I knew you.) It was one of those moments I didn't even know why so many people liked you. Maybe it was your incredible charms that intimidated me from liking you the same way they did. I'm known to stay away from people who are like you in terms of physical appearance. Funny, right? But as I got to know you more, I was unknowingly falling for you. But I never admitted that.
Although for months now you have been the focus of my attention, there has always been something that I'm not really sure about. After all this time, I still don't know how I feel about you. It's true. Perhaps the fact that I'm not sure if we are meant to be contributes to that uncertainty.
But how can I not be sure of how I feel when you're the only guy I've ever dreamed of?
Another mystery brought about by your presence. Ironically, because of my tried and tested formula for wrong judgments, you were a victim of that ability of mine. Did you know that I almost classified you as one of those playboy-ignorant-immature-disrespectful kind of guys that I really despise? You need not to worry though; you ended up being the most ideal guy I could ever hope for anyways.
Wow. Time does fly so fast. It's been nearly a year since I started realizing how you could change everything in my life. You have caused me to love you selflessly, and even though you're not the first person to do that, surely you made me aware that I should. You have also inspired me to be sure of my future for some reason I couldn't explain. I've always believed that you would be part of that future as well.
I can't believe this happened to me, of all people. I guess God knew I needed a person like you, to have a shoulder to cry on when I'm sad, to give me hope when I had none, and to make me happy and giddy when I felt lonely. For that, I can only give you the assurance that I'll never forget about you and how you make me feel. I feel loved.
But of course, there have been times I've been disappointed of you. I couldn't help but turn away from you during those times I didn't like what you had done. I couldn't face you and tell you I still need you. But you know what? I never can hate you. Never. I have understood that you needed to do that, and that no matter how hard I try not to, you'll always be what you are to me.
The thing I love the most about you is how you inspire me to be free and imagine all the adventures we could have been sharing together. That never failed to put a smile on my face whenever I think about it. You let my imagination kick into overdrive and that's when it all starts for the two of us. I hope to share all these stories with you someday.
I have many worries. You and I never getting along, you and I never being happy. Adding to that apprehension is the fact that most guys I've known, who are Librans too, never ended up getting along too well with me. I still fear of being rejected. But somehow too much thinking of the opposite, like I always do, it washes all the apprehension away.
Remember in
October 28 of last year?
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*** MY SO-CALLED INFATUATION ***(Pardon me for everything I'll say over here. Purely foolishness and not a tinge of sanity is shown here.)Okay. So where do I begin? Oh yeah.
Why do I want to share this
thing to my online journal when I can tell someone I personally know about it, or better yet, when I can just shut up and get over it?
Because I can't do those things, unfortunately. I guess it's something I can put on in the style of writing.
I was actually very glad to admit to myself that I was only infatuated. I have proved to myself that it may or may not last long, but when the time came that I was feeling very satisfied, oddly I became disappointed, that indeed, it was
JUST infatuation.
But some facts can't stop bothering me every now and then. Does fate really exist? Let me tell you why: because this guy has
ALMOST the
SAME NAME and the
SAME BIRTHDAY as I do! Now it makes me think that he's my soulmate or something. I couldn't believe it myself. But who knows?
I even dreamt about his friend. Does my dream (
or my subconscious, if you're scientific) tell me something?
Sometimes I don't know what to think of myself anymore. Maybe I am insane.
Did you notice I'm not elaborating enough and instead I'm using random lines?Ask away, my friends, and of course, tell me everything. I know I sparked up your curiosity somehow.**********************************
How about in
November 24 of the same year?
**********************************
And then there was this mystery guy whom I've been crushing on. Yes, that one whom I always think of to be my soul mate. Do the same name and the same birthday ring a bell?
Mind you, that person and the one mentioned above aren't the same person. Not at all. They could have had the same abilities, capabilities, and God forbid, the same cockiness and arrogance, but I'd choose Mr. Soul Mate rather than him any day.
The topic was put in the spotlight earlier, when JB, a classmate of mine, tried to get the papers that were kept inside my iPod case, just like he always does when he catches me writing something on a stray piece of paper. Since they were just two song lyrics, I refused to show him those, just like I always do when he butts into my business.
He always points out that everything I write about is love (which is only partly true) and is determined to know about it. Then, because Joanna was there also (and thank God Sheilah wasn't, or I'll be doomed), my dreaded conversation actually happened. And so they talked about "love", but only for a minute or so.
To be quite frank, I still don't think I'm in love. I mean, not this time. And I don't think I need to be in my position right now. I feel too happy and giddy to expect so much more.
**********************************
Lastly, you were a part of my
new year post as well.
**********************************
The 2006 most controversial thing ever...
If you'd ask me a very simple question and plead me to tell you the truth, I'd say you ask about my so-called "love life", wouldn't you? Well, indeed I struggled to get the best (and get the hell out) of this mess I had made years ago. And also the one I made a year ago. Maybe for once I considered the rational thing to do and not what I FEEL was right. And guess what? I have succeeded. It's the best thing I've ever done to myself. So now, I have other things that keep me occupied, rather than thinking about them. Not worth it.
(Yes, and if you asked THAT, yup. Still him. Haha. =p)
**********************************
There, those were the times I mentioned you here. And damn, writing all about you makes me miss you so much again. I just wish I could show you how much I do.
Will still accept you for who you are,
Jessie =)
P.S. I never felt so reassuring in my life. I hope that you'd feel the same way. ^__^
"I'm glad I met you" @ 10:57 PM |
