*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Friday, October 24, 2008

just wanted to share this

It was a dark and cold night. I was alone, sitting on an old wooden bench where it had rained. I could still feel the raindrops falling from above, even though it had stopped raining almost an hour ago. Perhaps the immense loneliness made me feel like the rain was still pouring above me.

I remembered the times I had almost forgottten about him. Nothing really significant had happened between us, and I guess that had been one of the reasons why I easily had forgotten about him. I remembered why I hadn't cared at all.

"Are you okay?"

I looked up and saw him, holding in his right hand an umbrella. He immediately covered me above with it.

It irritated me that all this time, it had been easy for him to be so kind.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried to look away.

"You don't look fine to me."

He sounded concerned. Why should he anyways? It's not like I was that special to him.

But was he that special to me?

"I'm fine," I insisted, still trying to look away. I did not want to see his concerned face. "You don't have to be so kind."

"Why?"

He now sounded saddened. I didn't know why he did all of a sudden; did he became sad because I shut him down?

Maybe he just didn't like being shut down. Not because it was I who did it.

"I don't need that kind of treatment." I knew it was a harsh thing to say, but it was for both our benefit altogether.

"Why, don't you feel you should be treated that way?"

Not by him, that's for sure.

"You don't even know me well."

"Do I have to?"

I hated the way he asked that last one; but no--he wasn't even asking--he was trying to prove a point. And that was the problem: it had been so natural for him to be so considerate that I couldn't tell whether he's doing it because he truly cared or because he felt it was the right thing to do.

"You're creating false hopes," I firmly stated, glancing at him for a few seconds. He had done that to me before, and certainly it's going to happen again, if only for my own stupidity. "Especially for idiots like me."

And then there was this certain charm he had that always made me tell the truth, every time I looked at him.

"You're not an idiot."

"I am. It's just been always hard for me to admit."

I had to admit that now, because I didn't want it to be too late. And I had to let him know, just to make him realize the damage he hadn't known he'd been doing.

A long pause.

I was afraid of what he'd been thinking. I always knew what could a person be thinking, but he'd always been a pleasant exception. I never knew why. A case of being special perhaps?

He then smiled. "You're being ridiculous. You're a smart girl."

I looked away again in hopes he'd stop using his ever-effective charms. It's somehow distracting for me. "Stop. Don't even try--just stop doing that. I feel even more like a fool than I already do."

"You're implying that this was all your fault, huh." It wasn't a question at all.

The one thing I was most afraid of? He could read my mind so easily when I couldn't read his, at all.

"Wasn't it?"

Another awkward pause. But I was happy to make this conversation longer.

"It wasn't," he sounded firm, despite having an obviously inaccurate answer. "I do things because I want to, so it hasn't been your fault at all."

Because he wanted to? So that meant...

"You're lying," I shook my head; it was all too good to be true.

"I'm not," he smiled for the nth time that day, as if trying do the smiling for me. "Why would I even bother if I don't like what I'm doing?"

"Because you think that's the right thing. You do what's right." I raised that point again. After all, it all came back to that "You're so kind I don't know if it's just me or everyone" notion again.

"So it's the right thing to treat you that way?" I knew he was beginning to prove another point. Why must he always be right?

"You think so?" I started to feel my nerves jitter again. I wanted to give him a sarcastic retort, if he would just let me.

"I'm asking you; you're the one who brought it up."

I sighed. "Why not? I was supposed to be treated that way--"

"--but not everyone did."

"They did," I felt my cheeks reddened. "Just not as extraordinarily as you."

"Do you like me to reiterate my point again?" He raised his eyebrows with a smirk I'd never seen before. He was seldom smug, although he should be. He really should be.

I shook my head. I had been already been defeated in the first place, as I finally realized. All those illusions in my head, some of them were going overboard, some of them were half-truths, some of them were surreal... but true. I didn't dare knowing what were the thoughts that fell on each of those classifications. I just couldn't bear the confusion anymore.

Then there it was. A tear just fell down the side of my left cheek.

Struggling to find the answers that leave me wondering even more.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 12:42 AM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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Name: Jessie Age: 31
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