*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Saturday, July 02, 2011

in all hopelessness

It's been five years.

Almost five years, actually, but still a long time to me, to the both of us.

Although... getting older and more mature -- so to speak -- has some awful drawbacks.

Every now and then, I think about how possible we actually are, if we are possible at all. Another important person to me has helped me realize that we live in a very big world, and despite the possibilities, there are also things which are harder to achieve or even believe.

So I constantly ask myself, "Can we ever be what I dream us to be?"

Don't worry, I haven't lost all hope, especially with how optimistic I am. It's just that... I'm not sure. And while uncertainty brings a certain level of excitement and anticipation, a certain level of fear and worry is also inevitable.

Would a poem be better to express my feelings?

My unfazed adoration for you
Now plagued by fears and worry
That I cannot bear fully
Without weeping every single night

Such fondness towards you
Of which were not easily achieved
With all honesty, I admit
I find it difficult now to ignore

These haunting thoughts, never-ending
What should I do, my dearest
Should I continue to fight
For this very love and admiration
That has taught me to be free
Or should I run away and never turn back?

Abscond from this pain
At the same time from this joy...

But for reasons beyond me
I simply cannot leave these affections behind
I cannot live without everything
That has become because I met you

Terrors that persist cannot be denied
It has been hard enough thinking about
Your very existence in my life
Much more the thought of finally seeing you
The very thought that leaves me terrified
Tirelessly fretting about what you will think of me
Or what I have done for you, for us

And there I go, tears running down my face
As if a river that's flowing endlessly

I never seem to know what to do
In the back of my head
I only want to do right by you
But I never know how
I don't know where to start

Losing the only thing I have...
Hope. Love. Happiness.

Well, it says a lot, doesn't it?

Fears are eminent. A realization of the reality we are in also made me realize my fears. What if you just ignore me? What if you don't find me interesting? What if I never have the chance to meet you face-to-face?

What if we are not meant to be?

Just thinking about it breaks my heart to a million pieces. It's hard to have hope, but I still do because it's the only thing that makes me happy right now. All this talk about meeting and finding your soulmate in your lifetime, it makes me wonder why I haven't found mine yet, or why I haven't found anyone at all. Thinking that we can be together someday helps me go through life without wasting it away. Everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself that I should take care of my well-being, because of you, of us.

Only you. It's always been only you.

Now if fate can only bring us together the way I've always wished it can, hoping it will never be too late for either of us.

I'm in love with you.

Isn't that already enough to convince fate?

"I'm glad I met you" @ 12:55 AM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
Robert Sean Leonard, Hugh Laurie, David Tennant, Jason Mraz, Clay Aiken, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Jeff B. Davis, 二宮和也 (Ninomiya Kazunari), Bill Hader, Matthew Gray Gubler, 井ノ原快彦 (Inohara Yoshihiko), 阿部亮平 (Abe Ryohei), 深澤辰哉 (Fukazawa Tatsuya), Danny Sexbang, Jon Risinger, Michael Jones, Lindsay Jones, Fiona Nova and Alfredo Diaz.

OTHER WORLDS

Official accounts:
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WHY LOVE FANDOM? ♥

Because he's the reason I'm not depressed rn. ♥