*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

i don't know where to start

I've been procrastinating writing this entry for two months, telling myself that I need to be emotionally (and mentally, really) prepared before I can completely devote myself into doing this.

Obviously, the question then becomes, "When will I ever be emotionally prepared?"

As this entry signifies, I only forced myself to face this damn laptop just so I could be done with it. But I've been wanting to get this out of my system for a while now. And so I must.

Because today will have been also two months since my life completely changed, undoubtedly forever.

To be honest, I knew what I was getting into when I decided to see him in person. I knew that my life would never be the same, that I would never forget about that encounter, that I would expect something more from said encounter (although I tried ever so hard not to, because as I had learned almost two years before, I only end up beating myself up, getting frustrated and whatnot). I knew that all this shit could happen. And yet.

Despite realizing the emotional bet I was making, until now I still think about it, obsess over it, because apparently, as much as I had prepared myself, I was still caught off-guard at how it would actually affect me.

Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining. I have been like this ever since I realized I was capable of pining for guys who happened not to like me back, and while I probably thrive on situations such as that (ouch), somewhere within I knew that what happened to me, to us, was something special. Call me delusional, but this kind of thing doesn't happen everyday.

I always tell myself: Of all things that would happen to me on that day, it had to happen with him. It could be some other person who did the same things he did, had the same intentions as he, but no. It had to be him. Specifically him. I was convinced (still am) that the universe had become aware of how much I adored him, and decided to pull me out of reality a bit, giving me a significant moment with him that I know I won't be able to compare to any other girl that adored him just as much. It was the least that the universe could do for me.

Trust me, I am more than thankful that I was able to experience that with him, but unfortunately, just like what had happened to me two years ago, I have also beaten myself up over it, regretting that I hadn't over-analyzed the encounter as I would have normally (Despite the pre-planning of things to say, I didn't actually get to say any of it. Nor did I even think of gifts! Gifts! I am an idiot.), planting in my head that I probably had given the wrong impression to him -- my worst nightmare -- and running different alternative scenarios, what-ifs if you will, in my twisted head. Reality soon crashed over my head, reminding me how unreachable he really was.

So I am still beating myself up over it. I have thanked him numerous times for the kind and gentlemanly gesture he did for us, and I have been interpreting his silence as disappointment. Have I ever told you I'm an idiot?

In the end though, there are two things that I am not ashamed to come out of this, aside from the most wonderful memory (which I only turned into a miserable monster -- thank you, it's a special gift of mine). First, I now know that I have to repay him and his good deed, so I am planning to see him again in the very near future to do it properly. Now this is the time that I have to think about every single step I would be taking (at least I learned my lesson... for now) so as not to embarrass myself ~~again~~. Second, because of this, I have taken a strong desire to pursue a dream I have overlooked for the past four years (read: idiot), which is to be in the entertainment business as something that I can actually be: a screenwriter. I probably pushed the idea at the very back of my mind for the sole reason that I didn't think it would be a good career path, but as years went on, a lot of people have told me to do something that I loved to do, otherwise I would just miserable. Turns out they were right, so now I have plans of finally doing it. As how it relates to him... you've probably figured it out by now, but. The real reason I will be keeping to myself for now. ;)

I don't know if any of what I've written above is enough to make me feel better about it, but I think this is it for now. I'm pretty sure it's hard to understand, not because I was trying to make it vague (I was, though), but because perhaps it's not written very well. I haven't written in a long time, so forgive me.

Until then, Mr. Soulmate.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 1:32 AM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

(Best viewed at 1024 x 768 resolution.)

THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
Robert Sean Leonard, Hugh Laurie, David Tennant, Jason Mraz, Clay Aiken, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Jeff B. Davis, 二宮和也 (Ninomiya Kazunari), Bill Hader, Matthew Gray Gubler, 井ノ原快彦 (Inohara Yoshihiko), 阿部亮平 (Abe Ryohei), 深澤辰哉 (Fukazawa Tatsuya), Danny Sexbang, Jon Risinger, Michael Jones, Lindsay Jones, Fiona Nova and Alfredo Diaz.

OTHER WORLDS

Official accounts:
Twitter: Follow this for official website matters, writing or all Western fandoms, or this for Japanese fandoms (I write in Japanese or English, but mostly English because my Japanese skills suck ass).
Tumblr (main)
Tumblr (Queen/BoRhap)
Twitch
I am also:
taboonalady on Instagram
soulmatesolace on Snapchat

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

CREATION

Layout Concept:
Urban*Faery's skins
*Faeryvixen's skins*
Blogskins
Image-Hosting:
ImageShack
TinyPic
Brushes:
Miss M
Celestial-Star.net
GIFs:
SpazzCrack comm @ LJ
Last one is made by me. Inocchi ♥

Image by me (See disclaimer)

DISCLAIMER

About the design: Although the brushes used aren't mine, I created the whole thing. The image I mean. So don't steal that. Please.
Credit me if you want to use it.

WHY LOVE FANDOM? ♥

Because he's the reason I'm not depressed rn. ♥