*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Saturday, October 06, 2012

a turning point

Dear Mr. Soulmate,

First of all, I wish to greet you a very happy birthday. Now that there has occurred a connection between us, even just for a few minutes (and sadly, you might not remember it all that much), I can truly wish this one for you: That you may be able to find life worthwhile, and that you may find the kind of happiness that you deserve.

In all honesty, I did not expect it would take me this long to write to you again, considering that I actually owe you that. I've owed you that since almost four months ago. But I guess the distractions that I got have been really good at distracting me from doing so. For that, I apologize.

Four months ago was something I did not expect would happen to me when I first started wishing for such an encounter almost seven years ago. I did not even, for the life of me, think that I would find myself standing next to you, smiling like an idiot, thinking of ways how to express my feelings to you.

But it did happen, by some miracle of fate, and through a Christmas wish I had only made up on the spot when asked all of a sudden. Up until now I still can't believe I was such a place, at such a moment. Up until now everything still feels like a dream.

And maybe it is also because everything that day was a dream, something I know I can't make any bigger deal of what it actually is. It is hard to explain, but perhaps the fact that I expected so much after our unforgettable encounter actually explains it all. I promised myself that I would never ever expect more, because I had done that before and I knew it would only lead to frustration and utter disappointment.

But my excuse has always been: I can never argue with my emotions, and they always win. Despite my reliance to logical reasoning, in the end, it cannot explain what my heart says. In the end, I always look back and think -- you probably never cared as much as I thought you had. And that strikes me more than any insult you could ever throw my way.

That was probably unfair to you, but I also cannot argue with how I reacted next: I stayed away. As much as possible. While I cannot help but try to know how you are doing once in a while, I ended up needing as many distractions as I could occupy myself with -- other guys, friends, fandoms, work -- even as to reaching that very thought deep into my subconscious mind.

But even my subconscious mind cannot erase you; for almost two months I've dreamed of you once a week, something that has never happened to me before. Furthermore, dreaming of you hasn't happened in about three years, at least. It was something I looked forward to for a while, but also something I dreaded getting used to, because I knew I would think about that encounter again over and over, and then end up blaming myself because I knew I could've done things a little differently.

It is always easier to blame you. I wish I have blamed you all this time. Maybe I could already have. However in the end, I always end up blame myself, for being so stupid, for not being good enough for you, for loving you a little too much.

That fleeting moment now seems faraway, but knowing that it actually happened still gives me a bit of hope. Stupid, right?

So as I greet you on this special day -- despite how I am acting right now, I will still stand by my promise to make your birthday next year special, and to repay you with everything I have got. It all seems silly, but it is the least I could do for everything you have done for me.

I wish that a year after now, I will have written a much better letter than this one. Something I will never forget for the rest of my life. Because that is the only way I can live this life -- by making sure I make the people I love happy.

Until a year from now,
Jessie

"I'm glad I met you" @ 10:30 AM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
Robert Sean Leonard, Hugh Laurie, David Tennant, Jason Mraz, Clay Aiken, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Jeff B. Davis, 二宮和也 (Ninomiya Kazunari), Bill Hader, Matthew Gray Gubler, 井ノ原快彦 (Inohara Yoshihiko), 阿部亮平 (Abe Ryohei), 深澤辰哉 (Fukazawa Tatsuya), Danny Sexbang, Jon Risinger, Michael Jones, Lindsay Jones, Fiona Nova and Alfredo Diaz.

OTHER WORLDS

Official accounts:
Twitter: Follow this for official website matters, writing or all Western fandoms, or this for Japanese fandoms (I write in Japanese or English, but mostly English because my Japanese skills suck ass).
Tumblr (main)
Tumblr (Queen/BoRhap)
Twitch
I am also:
taboonalady on Instagram
soulmatesolace on Snapchat

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

CREATION

Layout Concept:
Urban*Faery's skins
*Faeryvixen's skins*
Blogskins
Image-Hosting:
ImageShack
TinyPic
Brushes:
Miss M
Celestial-Star.net
GIFs:
SpazzCrack comm @ LJ
Last one is made by me. Inocchi ♥

Image by me (See disclaimer)

DISCLAIMER

About the design: Although the brushes used aren't mine, I created the whole thing. The image I mean. So don't steal that. Please.
Credit me if you want to use it.

WHY LOVE FANDOM? ♥

Because he's the reason I'm not depressed rn. ♥