*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Friday, August 23, 2013

thought it was over

#nowplaying Linda Ronstadt - Long Long Time

How appropriate, right?

After all of these years, you have appeared in my dreams again. After all these years, you have made me cry. And, to be honest, I haven't cried over you since all those times you were around. Now, you aren't, but I still cried over you.

Let me just say this, though: You are the reason why I won't probably ever try again. I cried because you have made me that way, because you have turned me into someone with a cold heart.

I am exaggerating, I'm sure, but for a reason. I wouldn't have cried if I didn't think that way; I wouldn't have cried if you weren't the one who changed my perspective about... ah fuck. I can't even say it without feeling disgusted about the idea. Love, relationships, all that shit. It took me a while to feel this way, sure, but I did eventually. Before, I still reminisced about the times we were friends, but it would always lead me to ask: Why did we end up like this? Why couldn't we have become something more?

It wasn't the hardest question in the world. In fact, I probably know the answer; it's probably just in front of me. But I refuse to acknowledge it because I knew we could've become something more. It was leading up to that. Yet it didn't. A lot of it was my fault, but a part of it was yours too.

I'm not here to play the blame game, but it's hard not to when the obvious results are there. I've cared less for people I used to care a lot for -- although maybe I just learned my lesson there too: STOP TRYING SO HARD WHEN YOU KNOW THEY WON'T CARE BACK -- and so it's come to this. I sound so cold-hearted, but a lot of people who used to be in my circle of friends are. I've learned to care for people who only would care back, if not, stop trying so hard. I know now that it won't get me anywhere, and it's all just a waste of my fucking precious time.

But then, you suddenly appear in my dreams and I don't know how to make of it. Do I really miss you like that? My subconscious mind seems to be aware of the fact that I've come to despise even just the thought of you, yet somehow it had a way to reconnect us in some way, and reveal to myself how much I really wanted to talk to you. Which sucks, basically, but as with most of what is true, anyway. It's just that... you were a part of my life that I never regretted having, but at the same time, regretted having. It's weird in that contradicting way, but yeah. No one will ever understand it, not even you (well, you didn't in the first place so there's that), so I won't ever try to explain it. It's really frustrating sometimes.

I thought I wouldn't feel this way again. I thought I'd moved on. I can't admit that I have, nor that I haven't. I hope it's just a phase. I decided to write about it so I can stop thinking about it afterwards. It always helps. I hope it does this time around.

Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me when you never let me near
And I never drew one response from you
All the while you fell all over girls you never knew
Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time

Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay
And life's full of flaws
Who knows the cause?
Living in the memory of a love that never was
Cause I've done everything I know to try and change your mind
and I think I'm gonna miss you for a long long time
Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time.

Above verses: From Linda Ronstadt's Long Long Time.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 9:27 PM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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Name: Jessie Age: 31
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