Saturday, February 20, 2016
discoveriesFirst of all, I would like to announce that today is this blog's 10th anniversary! \o/
I'm surprised that I've maintained this blog for this long, considering how I like to abandon things when I get tired of them. Then again, writing has always been there for me, has always had the same effect on me, has always been my form of catharsis. Then again, this isn't surprising at all.
(Though, let's be real, I am really surprised that I've managed to post every anniversary, and that I've posted at least once a year in this thing. That level of commitment from myself amazes me. XD)
/coughs SPEAKING OF COMMITMENTS. I've been meaning to post something I've discovered about myself recently, thanks to the random ramblings of the Game Grumps, specifically Arin and Danny. A bit of a background for those who don't know: I wrote about how I got into YouTube channels as a fandom (though omg, there are A LOT of fandoms in YouTube) because I needed distractions from some feelings that I didn't like having. They were so effective, because not only was I distracted, but I also got into some pretty sweet fandoms that I'm so happy to have stumbled into. I mainly watch video game players (called in the industry as Let's Players) rather than vloggers because it was a great way to relive my childhood and at the same time discover new games I missed when I entered high school and college! (Now I sound like Danny...)
SPEAKING OF DANNY. This is where the Game Grumps come in. Fans often describe them as "more of a comedy show than a video game show" and they aren't completely wrong. The Grumps are also the go-to YT channel of other YouTubers, and that's actually how I discovered them. I was watching YouTuber jacksepticeye (and to a certain extent Markiplier), and he has mentioned that they are one of his favorites to watch on YouTube. I also often see YouTubers comment on their videos a lot. They are, as of this writing, my most favorite channel on YouTube right now (and I've watched a ton!) for two reasons: (1) They are funny as hell; and (2) they have inspired me in the same way that a lot of my other fandoms have. The main guys, Arin and Danny, often just talk about random things while playing games, and that sounds pretty petty and unoriginal to some but because of them I've learned more things about myself that I ever did in the first 24 years of my life. And the funny thing is, I relate to the both of them; not just one, but the both of them. Let me explain how and why.
Discovery # 1: I maybe, possibly, most likely have social anxiety.
This is what Arin has revealed in one of their videos. It was surprising to me at first, considering how loud and aggressive he can be (read: "I'm Grump") towards video games, but in reality, he has social anxiety and can't handle parties very well. It was, in fact, when he said that he's a wallflower and never talks to anyone during parties that I began relating to him and started thinking myself: Do I have social anxiety? I had previously thought that I was only an extremely introverted or shy person, but it turns out, it's not only that. And it explains EVERY FUCKING THING: Why I hate public speaking, why I hate talking to people I don't know, why I hate parties, why I hate talking on the phone. And, just like Arin, I've gotten better with it, but you know, it's nice to finally know that there's a name for what I have. (Another Danny quote... Damn, this guy is in my head. XD #notcomplaining)
Actually, Arin's revelation made me like him more. Knowing he's just like me and his informing me of what I might have is greatly comforting to a person who's often ostracized from being too shy or whatever bullshit. Arin, you are an inspiration just as much as Danny is. Take it from me. ♥
Discovery # 2: I am maybe, a bit and sort of a commitment-phobe.
Now, this I can't prove completely since I've never been in an actual relationship, but knowing Danny (and to a certain extent, and this is true, Miyake Ken of V6) has made me think about my stance on relationships as well. As early as in about fourth grade, I'd been such a hopeless romantic, pining on guys, believing they'd like me back (Spoiler alert: It never materializes into anything, sadly), watching romantic comedies, hoping I'd have the same "happy ending", and believing there was only one, well, "The One".
As you've probably noticed, this has changed over the last two years, and understanding both Danny's and Ken's psyches have influenced this new school of thought as well. "Commitment-phobe" may be a bit exaggerated, but I guess the term I'm looking for is "emotionally withdrawn"? I mean, it doesn't sound better but I think that's more appropriate. (Having said that, the term commitment-phobe does fit Danny and Ken because they both can't, and prefer not to, hold relationships for very long.) I think I'm, for the most part, afraid. I admit to that. There's always a point in the tip-toeing, going around in circles, and beating around the bush process of "dating" or whatever it is called that I choose to retreat, especially now, because of past experiences. I'm just so tired of bullshit that I'd rather run away than put up with and see it pull through. I can't waste any more energy and time to something that I can't deal with any longer. Besides, I do want to see a career for myself that I'd do for the rest of my life and I'm trying to focus on that now. Relationships now, to me, are a waste of everything.
Not only that, Danny's thoughts in particular are insightful to a
Besides, do we really need someone to be happy? The recent Single Train (a Valentine's Day special episode with the single guys in Grumps, which of course includes Danny) has made me realize a lot of things. Not only is it not a determinant of who we are as a person, but it definitely does not determine what makes us happy. Being terribly hopeless romantic before and confining myself to how society view love and relationships, I had found myself always envying those in a relationship and ask myself over and over "Why can I be like that?"or "Will I ever have that?" and it made me so fucking miserable. As Kevin said in that video, "Learn to love yourself before you can love others." And fuck yeah I'll do that! Why not? I'd neglected myself long enough; it's time to pay attention to what I want and how I want. I won't let anybody tell me shit what I need to do first.
Safe to say (and bears repeating), everything in that episode was everything I needed to hear. It's comforting to know that a guy like Danny -- whom I adore to the ends of the earth for so many reasons and is adored by many just the same -- believes that relationships aren't what defines us as a person. God, I love that man. *___*
Bottomline: Love is hard, as I've found over the years. And I'm done chasing.
...see. I told you I'd learned more about myself in the past year than the last 24 years of my life.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL READERS:
I've launched a new website! This will feature my creative writing initiatives: figmentofdreams.com
It's closed for now but I'll open it to public
See you around! o/
"I'm glad I met you" @ 10:00 PM |
