*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Monday, August 29, 2016

a cold turn of the heart

*sigh*

Just when I thought I was very comfortable, almost stably so, of the idea of him again, what I've always been afraid of (and already happened once) might be happening again. And for the past two or so weeks, I've gone through—pardon the cliché—a roller coaster of emotions. It's like going through stages of grief... or maybe it is exactly that.

Denial. I kept thinking in my head, no, she's just a friend, a colleague. But a cluster of photos all over his page said otherwise.

Anger. Why is it always me? What did I do to deserve this? Why does he get to do this to me?

Bargaining. Maybe, just maybe, if I saw him again, it would change everything. Anything.

Depression. I kid you not, I cried a few times. My heart was heavy. Unbearably heavy, even. I didn't think it'd happen again this soon, and as much as I want to say that I was ready for this, I wasn't. I never am.

Acceptance. ...maybe we aren't as meant to be as I thought we were. We have nothing in common. He's getting older, too; two years without someone, he's bound to find someone else who cares for him. He deserves to find someone. Even if that's not me.

I don't know. I've always been vague about this matter, but this time, this is as vague as I can get, and still I get to reveal a lot.

I don't know. If I see him again, that's probably already a consolation to all of this.

And for the sake of my sanity, I hope I do.

There is a silver lining, though.

I'm finally probably accepting the fact that I shouldn't wait just for him, that my world should never revolve around him. Ten years is a long ass time to realize that, but things, feelings and thoughts change. For the past five years I've gone from two extremes: I was hands down a hopeless romantic, then I became dismissive of most men that came my way. Fortunately, I can say that I'm in the middle now: not too idealistic, nor too dismissive. And to be honest, as much of a hopeless mess I am currently, I'm happy about that change. I've never felt more comfortable being by myself and of myself than now.

And maybe that's what he has been for me, a catalyst. In the past I would believe that maybe he could change me or I could change for him, but the truth is, I've changed because of him. For that, I actually owe him a lot. He probably won't know, or care, or appreciate it, but I do. I can never tell him this, but he has helped me with my social struggles for the past ten years. I really, really owe him everything.

I never thought I'd say this, but: I am moving on. Away from him, and to a better place because of him.

Thank you, Mr. SM. You were always an imaginary idea I had in my head—I don't even know if that's the real you at all—but you are, and always have been, a significant part of my life.

I will always think of you.
I will always love you.

But I accept the fact that we can never be, and that's okay.
I will still consider you, us, important piece of my life.
And for that, I will never forget you.

P.S. You are still one of the nicest people I've ever met, and I will never accept any other truth. I wish you all the best.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 2:34 PM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
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