Tuesday, July 21, 2020
i still can't believe it
So, I haven't done a proper post in a while (= "this year", as my pattern of behavior suggests), nor have I done a proper fangirling post in a while—it's usually about what I've discovered about myself or unnecessary gloating, lol—so it's probably time, right? Did y'all miss this? XD
If you've noticed, I've been into YouTubers for a while now (since 2014, damn) and I've watched many groups and solo Let's Players within that time frame: WLTP, Game Grumps, Markiplier and JackSepticEye to name a few but my main fandom has been Achievement Hunter for about four years now? I've also discovered a lot of content creators since then but AH has been what I watch regularly for this long.
As far as fan experiences go, AH has been pretty an all-inclusive one for me. It reminds me of the fandoms I'd been in when I was a lot younger, because somehow I feel like I belong (not always the case, but that's a different matter altogether). I've met a lot of like-minded people, "fanservice" isn't as hard to get (I've gotten shout-outs, retweets, likes, etc.), and fanworks are usually encouraged. I mean, BoRhap might be what brought me back to fanfic writing, but because my exposure to AH has been constant, writing isn't that far off from what I can do as a fan. I've also attended RTX not a year even into the fandom but to be honest that's one of the best experiences I've had as a fan in general. I'd love to go back again soon, notwithstanding this stupid pandemic. But I digress.
During RTX, I wasn't able to meet an Achievement Hunter. The closest I could get to meet was Ray, a former member of AH. That doesn't count anymore but it was still bizarre to meet someone whose content I watch a lot on a regular basis, in and out of AH. Yes, I still watch his archived streams (I rarely watch streams in general anyway) as he is still entertaining to me.
Despite that, I did watch a lot of AH panels back then: the AH panel, Theater Mode, H&H/T&C, Relationship Goals (man, that's how you know how long it has been), AH Post Prod Team panel (Trevor was still in that panel I believe!) but other than that, I hadn't actually met anyone from AH yet. Understandable, since AH, as I've put it, are the absolute rock stars of that convention and there's NO WAY I could even get an ambush M&G with any of them since they're so busy during RTX. (Though I remember during TM, I was about to buy a beer for myself and I saw someone ambush Geoff and Millie in the lobby of the theater, but I didn't want to subject the poor girl to more torture.)
So, I'd never met anyone from AH. UNTIL LAST FRIDAY.
It's been exactly a week since the Galaxycon panel and M&Gs with Achievement Hunter, namely [redacted], Jeremy, Lindsay and Michael. They've done this once before last month, but I chickened out of that because that's not surprising at all that I would blame my social anxiety for not wanting to deal with the anxiety the situation might bring. Then come this month.
I don't know what pushed me to do it this time, aside from frequent conversations with my friend Ashley (fellow V6 and AH fan) about how much I wanted to try and do it, since RTX is pretty much cancelled this year (they're hoping for a virtual con like this and I wouldn't mind to be honest!), and like, isn't that the perfect opportunity anyway? None of us has to leave the house and STILL I get to meet and talk with them!
So the decision was made. But the next question came: Who do I meet first?
There's the group M&G, but that's out of the question. What the fuck do I talk about with the four of them in there, listening to me?! My heart wouldn't be able to take it. I'd faint first before the call even takes place.
If this had been RTX, my first priority was going to be [redacted] ([redacted] and Jeremy), and then the Jones' (Michael and Lindsay). I guess that is meeting all of them eventually, but Galaxycon has arranged it specifically that there would be only one-on-one video chats with them. And while it's pretty obvious that I should want to meet [redacted] and Michael first, something told me I couldn't handle that yet.
So enter Lindsay.
If there's an Achievement Hunter I've related to so hard, it's gotta be Lindsay. So I thought if there's anyone who would understand if I suddenly got a panic attack in the middle of the conversation or unintentionally zoned out or said the weirdest things, it would most definitely be Lindsay. That made me feel better about pushing through it.
But then, I also wanted to meet [redacted]. So badly. If I really had to choose between [redacted] and Michael, [redacted] would be my first pick. In fact, I remember creating a M&G list for RTX in order of priority and my number 1 was [redacted], no doubt. Plus, I also have history of not being able to interact with my ults in any capacity (except Brian, but he's a special exception to the rule), so I thought this would be my only chance. After all, if they didn't cap the "line" (aka slots) for these virtual M&Gs at all there's no way he wouldn't be able to meet me, right?
(I've been clearly overthinking this but trust me, I have enough "opportunities" of meeting or interacting with my ults that have yet to happen or have let me down, so lowering my expectations a bit is a coping mechanism so to speak, lol.)
And I could definitely afford two M&Gs but not three. I was afraid to choose Michael because despite knowing he's such a nice guy, I'm still intimidated by him to a point lol. I don't want him to be the first AH member I talk to, when I don't even know what to talk to him about yet! (And we'll get to considering Michael later.)
Finally, I clicked the "Place Order" button a good two days before the actual sessions come through. Good thing the panel was free, but somehow you still had to have ordered it before you could watch it live. They are archived later though so fans can relive that experience, ordered or not! Which reminds me I still need to watch the first panel in June.
Anyway. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I mean, fuck, who wouldn't be? Ashley was also able to get a session with Lindsay (good choice for a solo M&G) and she felt the same way as I did, so I knew I wasn't alone. Still, that really didn't help with dealing the anxiety that came with it. Again, more on that later.
Living in this world for almost 30 years (oof), I know my body well enough to recognize this: If there's an important event coming up, sleeping would most definitely become an issue. So I tried to be a responsible human being and basically forced myself to sleep early at least two days before the big day, since Wednesday was a bit impossible due to AH's stream schedule. I tried it Thursday night; I was asleep before Off Topic came on (that is usually 3:30 AM for me). That was good. But then, Friday came. I was in bed by 11:00 PM but kept telling myself, "Nah, I have time" until about 2:00 AM, to which then I was determined to fall asleep. But I knew it had to be futile around 5:30 AM when I found myself SO AWAKE. I managed to fall asleep a bit, but it wasn't like, undisturbed. I couldn't make that happen for me no matter how much I wanted to. Good thing I wasn't tired at all, I think beginning that moment I was already running on adrenaline.
So then I went downstairs to get some instant ramen for breakfast—it was too early for any cooked meal yet and I had limited time before the panel started at 7:25 AM for me. I still had to do my makeup because no way in hell I would get recorded looking like a zombie, lol. My anxiety had started kicking in way before, but I found that my ramen was halfway finished because I felt like I was going to throw up, no joke.
Shortly before the stream started, I began doing my makeup, finally. I think I finished right before 8:00 AM? So there had been plenty of time after that, and AH still had group M&Gs to do after the panel. The panel was very AH, so there's really nothing new about that.
Side note: The live panel had a chat box for questions, but before the stream came on, lots of people were commenting how nervous they were about meeting AH and it made me feel A LOT better that I wasn't the only one.
The wait in-between though. ROUGH TIMES. I've had anxiety attacks like that before, because I've been in similar situations, but it never diminishes how goddamn tiring that can be. It definitely had to do with being my first time experiencing the video chat M&Gs, plus I really hate doing calls in the first place, PLUS it's Lindsay AND [redacted]? Like, what the fuck do I say?
I was second in line for Lindsay. A tech person had to check our audio and video feed for us and while it did rattle me a bit, we went through it like a breeze. Only thing, the tech guy told me that the M&G lasted for 2 minutes and in my head, I was like "Oh, it must be like a buffer thing, that it's not exactly three minutes or something" and really didn't think much of it. While freaking out with Ashley on Twitter, I got the second call for the correction to three minutes instead and It. Scared. The shit. Out of me. Being already anxious probably didn't help, but goddamn I almost had a heart attack.
9:00 AM came. I was also told by the tech guy that the group M&Gs would last for 30 minutes, but I knew those would go over the time, because hey, I wouldn't be surprised if majority of the people that were there (I saw about 110 people in chat for the panel) opted for a group M&G. Or at least, more than 10 people did, given the time frame for each chat. The "queue" even had a video playing first for guidelines and such, but afterwards it's just AH videos in a playlist. I was so antsy that I couldn't even bring myself to watch those videos. Chatting with Ashley while waiting was all I could do, and even for that I wasn't being coherent at all.
Then, at 9:38-ish AM, while still on the Twitter tab, I heard the ringing sound from the M&G tab. Shit!
I panicked and before I knew it, I was looking at Lindsay's face looking at me.
Honestly, my mind went blank for most of it. And for [redacted]'s, too. I'm not going to rewrite all of it here, but the basic gist of my conversations with them is:
- My chat with Lindsay: lots of rambling (both), talking over each other out of excitement (and Lindsay and I blame the delay for this), and Lindsay asking me the hardest question someone whose content I've watched for years. I almost want to talk to her again to have it answered properly next time around... Oh! And we complimented each other's hairstyles. ♥ And we talked shortly about Recorded by Arizal (and Yssa!!!) too which was great. :D
- My chat with [redacted]: a lot better, still a bit of rambling but more of him than me (lol), and honestly? I was a lot calmer talking with him than when I was talking with Lindsay, and for sure it had something to do with her going first, because man, if [redacted] had gone first, I would be a fucking mess and it'd be ugly. XD And weirdly enough, it was more of a normal conversation than fangirling. I'm still quite surprised that it happened that way.
But man, I still can't believe it happened. Every now and then I still go, "Did I really talk with [redacted]?" or "Did Lindsay just tell me that?" It's a bizarre and surreal feeling, man, let me tell you.
And like, RTX made me feel this way too—years after I still think about Theater Mode and being in that theater with them (basically the main room at the time sans Gavin) and how that actually happened but it still feels like a fever dream sometimes. I was there! I can say that truthfully and that makes me happy even though, sometimes I can't believe it.
Also, I've tweeted about this in my private account but I'm so, SO GLAD I didn't zone out during both conversations. I was engaged, in almost a perfectly natural way, and didn't feel the need to fidget or get antsy. I'd like to believe I blacked out during the entire thing because that's way more believable than managing not to embarrass myself badly in front of them, lol. It's an accomplishment! With someone as bad of an ADD that I do, that's very much an accomplishment. Apparently, the only way to make me listen is if it's AH that's talking. XD
And while social anxiety tried to attack me afterwards ("Did I say something stupid? OMG I shouldn't have said that—!"), overall I thought I did okay! Actually, I think I did way better than I originally thought I'd do. I did it! And that's all that matters.
I think that's it, though? For now, at least. Oh, but before I forget, I was going to talk about Michael, right?
I'm definitely picking Michael the next time they do this. Lindsay, most likely (as she is the best human and I have to update her on a lot of things lol), and [redacted], well, we'll see? But if I choose all three I will definitely need to save up until that happens. I need to stop spending money on games D:
I feel bad for not mentioning Jeremy at all but I'd rather meet Jeremy in person as everything I want to talk to him about might fare better in person. Like our heights, lol. I still want to go to RTX next year, though. [redacted] did tell me he thinks its chances of happening is 50/50 but who knows! He and Jeremy would still be my number 1 pick for the true M&Gs with Michael and Lindsay for number 2. I'd like to meet Fredo and Fiona too if that's possible. (Another side note: I've always thought there's probably no way I'd meet Gavin ever. He doesn't do M&Gs in RTX anymore and he's the busiest AH cast member. So, IDK, maybe we'll see.)
So there. I didn't want to put details of the actual conversations because it exists in video form anyway, no point in recounting it, except my funny rambly post (because it's funny as it is for the moment it was written XD). I'd rewatch it someday. Maybe when I feel less embarrassed about it, lol. I just hate hearing my own voice, ugh.
Actually, I want to rewatch my conversation with [redacted] just so I could hear about the PH gig again. Goddamn that was the funniest and most fascinating thing to come out of that and I'm glad I'm the one who was able to pry that information off of him. ...I guess given where I live, I'm the only one who'd find that tidbit of information mind-blowing. And it was! GDI [redacted]. I hate you, lmao.
And like I said (I'm rambling again and can't seem to end this fucking post), despite the stress and the sleepless nights and the anxiety the whole thing brought me, I'd do it all over again. It was so fucking worth it. I love them. I love AH. I'm glad I've discovered them because along with V6, I don't think I can live without having knowing them. ♥
Sure, they're a bunch of loud assholes playing dumb video games on the internet, but they're good human beings that want to bring happiness to their fans and I'll always appreciate that.
I guess I'll come back here for when I meet Michael? XD Can't wait.
"I'm glad I met you" @ 12:38 AM |
