*Turning back time...with life's goodness.*

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

maybe i'm aromantic

It's funny how this blog has become some sort of a secret depository of facts about me that I'm afraid to share with anyone in my life. I mean, it's not completely hidden—it's still linked to my Facebook and one of my Twitter accounts—so I do have the risk of people who know this exists (or happen to stumble upon my profile accidentally) reading it, but eh, I guess whoever reads this deserves to know.

The title says it all, I think I'm aromantic.

I've been thinking about this for quite a while now, starting probably a year or two ago. And it sparked my interest intermittently because at first, all what had been swirling in my thoughts was: Why am I so bad at romantic interactions?

It has happened before. I've gotten flirty messages and exchanges here and there, but it never goes anywhere. So my natural reaction to this is: Am I not good enough? Maybe, but there's also a thing where I'm super socially awkward and anxious (which I also discovered around this time) that those feelings bothered me more than my lack of romantic socialization skills.

Despite that, I never really bothered to do any readings or research about being aromantic, because, like I said, being socially anxious was something that I'd latched onto. Social anxiety became a banner representing my life because for the first time, it completely explained my problems that had its roots back when I was younger. I've always had it, and yet no one bothered to explain it to me until I heard Arin talk about it.

And then flash forward to today. What led me to finally do some research is the Queen fandom, where everyone is basically open with their sexuality (or lack thereof, objectively) and freely expresses it when there's opportunity. While I've never talked about it in public, or my Tumblr blog where I do most of my Queen fangirling, I've met a wonderful group of people where I felt comfortable discussing these things.

It's weird. They're literally a group of strangers more than a month ago. But now, I've shared thoughts and feelings with them like they're old friends.

But I digress. Because I have such a support group, I've become open about my sexuality with them (not saying it here because it's unimportant to the topic at hand), and one day, I read about being aromantic and then I had to tell them.

They were all incredibly supportive—which made me love them even more—and that's why I'm here.

Someone from that same group asked me what being aromantic means. According to AVENwiki:

An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships.

...which perfectly summarizes my current state of social being. I don't seek out romantic relationships (not anymore, at least), and friendships and family relationships suffice for any social interaction I might require.

Now, I don't think I've always been this way, and I've come a long way since my hopeless romantic days, so maybe it's born out of experiences (or lack thereof) over the last few years. And that's fine! Maybe it fluctuates, I'm not sure either.

That said, I don't think I'm asexual. Maybe I am to a certain point, but I still experience attraction just like any other person, perhaps just not romantically.

It's also important to point out that the above-mentioned wiki says that aromantics can also have any sexual orientation, so yeah. About that, well, you'll have to ask me in person. ;)

There are also a few posts on Tumblr that a friend linked me to that are quite important to the discourse, I think.

Let's Talk about Aromanticism
I'm the dog: an aromantic love story
Amatonormativity - which says that society imposes romantic love is essential in someone's life and ~~I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT~~

The first post also says that there are kinds of aromantics, a spectrum, and I identify with two in particular:

Recipromantic: only feeling romantic attraction when you know the person is attracted to you
Lithromantic/Akoiromantic: experiencing romantic attraction without desire for reciprocation

No words will ever describe the amount of expletives I said when I read these, especially the second one. IT FUCKING EXPLAINS MY DESIRE FOR UNREQUITED LOVE, Y'ALL.

...aaand I think I'll leave it there.

I mean, it's good. I don't feel obligated to search for any romantic relationships, because that shit causes more stress in my life than anything else. Maybe it'll change someday, who knows. But for now, I'm glad I learned this about myself.

EDIT: I also found out (you would too if you clicked one of the links) that the aromantic flag is green. And I've been obsessed with green for the past six years, mainly because of fangirl reasons—it even overlaps at least two fandoms—and while that's obviously a coincidence, I'd like to think it was connected somehow. Like, shit.

"I'm glad I met you" @ 4:07 AM |

"I know you're out there."

I turn back time to relive each moment...
I turn back time to revive each emotion I've felt...
I turn back time to feel the happiness I have sensed some time in my life.

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THE ONE

Name: Jessie Age: 31
Writer, dreamer, fangirl.

Fandoms:
Whose Line is it Anyway?, House M.D., Doctor Who, The Office, Psych, Saturday Night Live, The Lonely Island, Community, Criminal Minds, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 嵐 (Arashi), V6, Snow Man, The Backstreet Boys, The Beatles, Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Rooster Teeth, Achievement Hunter and Funhaus, G4TV, Watcher.

Favorites:
Robert Sean Leonard, Hugh Laurie, David Tennant, Jason Mraz, Clay Aiken, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, Jeff B. Davis, 二宮和也 (Ninomiya Kazunari), Bill Hader, Matthew Gray Gubler, 井ノ原快彦 (Inohara Yoshihiko), 阿部亮平 (Abe Ryohei), 深澤辰哉 (Fukazawa Tatsuya), Danny Sexbang, Jon Risinger, Michael Jones, Lindsay Jones, Fiona Nova and Alfredo Diaz.

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